Not Dead Yet

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Will I Ever Feel Good About Myself?

I feel a little better today. I had a stomach ache earlier, but I think it was just the jitters from having to face the people at work and wondering what they think of me. I’ve always had that problem.  Wondering what others think of me. I don’t know why I even care?

Last night I cried, and cried, and cried, ’til I couldn’t anymore. Then I felt better.

Oh, how I wish I could feel better about myself most of the time. I know we can’t always feel great, but at least most of the time instead of feeling lousy all of the time. It’s just that  sometimes I can’t find anything about me to feel proud about.

I’m not crazy about my job. My life is not a bed of roses, by no means. And, I know that I’m not the only one that feels like this once in a while. But, it’s true that we always feel that our problems are worst than others. I keep saying to myself that I must stop thinking like this. It does me no good. And, it gets on others nerves, I know. I just wish I knew how to deal with my problems.  I try reading all these self help books, and sometime they help and sometimes they don’t. I wonder why that is? Can someone shed some light on this?

This is another entry I wrote in my diary a few days after I had moved out of my parents home back in 1989 (see my earlier post “First Time Living Alone”). And, now at the age of fifty seven, I still have the same issues. But, I refuse to give up. One day I will be a better person. How do you guys out there deal with your problems? Maybe we can help one another. Please share.

 

First time living alone

How do I feel about moving? I have mixed feelings. I’m scared. I’m excited. I’m nervous. I feel free.

I want to do this. I have to do this.  I want to be me. I don’t want to be my parents daughter. I need to find myself. I don’t know if I can do it, but I know I must try, if only for my own sanity.

Can I make it on my own? I need to know that I can, and that I don’t need to depend on my parents. My dad once told me that I didn’t need to worry because I will find a nice husband who will take care of me. But what if I don’t find a nice husband? What if I never marry? Will I ever become my own person?

I don’t know if I need somebody to take care of me. Sure, I would love a companion. And I am afraid of staying alone, but I don’t want to depend on anybody. I want my own home. I want to take care of myself. I want to make my own rules. I want to be the boss of me.

I wrote this on my diary back in 1989. I was twenty eight years old and though I was too old to still be living with my parents. Although, my parents would have wanted me to stay forever if I never married. I’m a Latina, and so this is the ways things were then, and still are for some of us.

I’m happy to say that I did make it on my own. And I survived it. I am now fifty seven years old, and I don’t regret leaving home. I did get married after moving, but that was short lived (I’ll write about that on another post, if anyone cares to read about it). I have had lots of struggles and still do, as most of us do, but I refuse to give up. I am always hopeful after losing hope.

When you let go of the fears, life gets better. Writing this post is a way for me to let go of my many fears. If anybody cares to listen out there. I will keep posting. Maybe by me sharing my fears I can help someone else with theirs. And in that way can help myself as well. Please let me know your thoughts.

Sincerely Malcontent

I’ve been without a permanent job since I got laid off from my administrative assistant job of 8 years at a well-known financial bank in 2009 when banks in New York and all around the world were at their worst.
At first, I thought it would be no big deal. I would get to rest since I still had some money coming to me, while job hunting for another administrative assistant position at some other financial institution. How hard could that be, right? I mean, every company needs an administrative assistant and I have never had a problem finding a job before. I also have never been forty something either. But not to worry. I have the experience so I’m a shoo-in. Or so I thought.
Well, for some reason I didn’t understand, I couldn’t find a company that would hire me permanently. Yet, there were plenty of temp positions available. I decided to give temp a try and got lucky with a temp to perm at a well-known financial bank. I was temping with them for over a year, and then they started laying off, and of course, they couldn’t keep me either, so out I went, and back to the drawing board after being sure I would get hired. I just couldn’t get in. Nobody would hire me. I decided to try other fields to work for and asked my temping agency to get me assignments in hospitals or medical clinics. Not as a medical assistant of course, since I didn’t have the education or knowledge to be a medical or physician’s assistant, but in their administrative offices.
I got my first assignment in a hospital. It was for a few months for a girl who was going on maternity leave. I really enjoyed it and everyone complimented me on a job well done. I even made a few friends. But, it was a temp job, and the girl came back. I started collecting unemployment until the agency found me another assignment at another hospital. Some of the assignments were possible temp to permanent assignments that were given to others who already worked in the hospitals. This is what really got to me. It is protocol in some, if not all companies or large institutions I believe, to give available jobs first choice at those within the company, and if no one applies for the position or no good suitor is available then they post it to the outside world. Which means that I was always left for last and the position went to someone else.

See what I mean by sincerely malcontent? Why give it to someone who really needs a job, when they can give it to someone who already has one?! Now, really what is wrong with this picture? We all know how unfair that is.
But that’s protocol.
Sincerely,
Malcontent

Desperate

I must be really desperate. I’ve played with the idea of starting a blog but never was quite sure why I should. Now all I can think of is that maybe, just maybe (and that’s a huge maybe), I might be able to make some money out of this. Why else would I start a blog? Yes, there is also the reason that I just love to write about anything, and for no reason whatsoever. I’ve kept and still keep several different journals that are no good at all, except of course for my benefit.  So, out of desperation, I decided to write this blog in hopes that people will find it interesting enough that it will draw large crowds and someone will decide I should get paid for this and save me from becoming a bag lady.

You see, I am jobless, and cannot collect any longer. I had a great job, working as an administrative assistant for eight years, making a decent salary and with good benefits. Then I got laid off in early 2009. I had some money saved, so I was doing okay, with the savings and collecting unemployment, while still job hunting. I was sure that I would find a new job in no time since I had the experience under my belt. That wasn’t the case. It took me two years to find a temp to perm job. I was so grateful, as money was running low. I worked really hard and did much overtime. I was a temp, so I had no sick days, or paid holidays, or vacations. When I got sick, or the company was closed for national holidays, I did not get paid. Taking vacation was of course, out of the question. I kept praying and hoping that they would hire me permanently. After working with them for over a year (16 months to be exact), I was told that they were sorry but they could not hire me permanently, and would not be able to further keep me as a temp. My long-term temp assignment had ended.

Back to the drawing board, I went. I updated my resume and posted it on different work sites. I went to a couple of agencies and submitted my resume to a few companies. In the meanwhile, I applied for unemployment. A couple of weeks after my last day at the temp job, and after applying for unemployment, I get a call followed by an email from a company that had seen my resume and wanted to interview me for an admin position. I was so excited. I interviewed and although it was not in the same field as what I was used to working in, I got the job. It was short lived. The job didn’t work out for me. After the eighth day, I knew it was not going to work out, partly because my boss had called me to her office and told me that she would give me another week to see if they would keep me as I wasn’t working out to their expectation. I have to admit, I was very nervous working at a new company and trying to get used to their way of doing things.

Meanwhile, I received a letter from the unemployment agency saying that I was not eligible for unemployment, as I had quit my last job, never mind the temp job where I worked for over a year. Of course, that job didn’t count.

I keep searching for work, but no one is willing to hire me. I have the experience, but I strongly believe that my age might be playing a roll in their decision not to hire me. By now, you are guessing that I am of a certain age. Should that matter? I am still able to work. Now, what am I to do? I have no money. I have no one to help me with my bills. I have sold my gold jewelry to help with the rent and food. I have borrowed money from friends and family.  Now what? Stay tuned.